Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma, Tonga

Saturday, June 04, 2005

He's got the Bible and a loaded 44

I came back to the office this evening around 9:30 to work on a little extra-curricular stuff. Specifically, I needed to put together some material in anticipation of a public hearing to be held Tuesday morning before the Tulsa Park and Recreation Board. This board has authority over the Tulsa Zoo, a pretty nice place for involuntarily captive animals. Better than Guantanamo, anyway. Back in November it won $25,000 from Microsoft Game Studio's "Zoo Tycoon 2" America's Favorite Zoo Contest (we're number one).

The only reason that I will be attending the meeting is a small "action item" on the agenda, listed as "Creation and Intelligent Design-- Dan Hicks."

Dan Hicks-- obviously not the Dan Hicks who, performing with his band the Hot Licks, created such memorable songs as "How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?" and "Milk Shakin' Mama."

No, this is Tulsa's Dan Hicks, who complained recently upon hearing that Tulsa's gay community would be having a "Gay Day" at the zoo for families and friends of gays and lesbians.

Its one of several events for Gay Pride week. Donna Jones: "That is something that we do frequently on Saturdays is go to the zoo and that's not something I would want to take my children to." Dan Hicks: "I just think it’s very inappropriate to have a gay demonstration at the Tulsa Zoo where young children are and they're not ready for their parents to have to discuss these kinds of issues."

Issues like, uh, adults and children enjoying the zoo? What could he be thinking? I wonder if he thinks parents won't already have enough to discuss with their children when the children watch animals copulating, defecating, urinating, etc. Let alone asking-- as my darling babies asked-- why some of the animals had such big penises and others had such tiny penises.

I remember a third-grade trip-to-the-zoo with one of my sons' class where the entire class laughed until they ached over the feces fight at the chimp house, and how some of the parents had some difficulty explaining that, no, the male rhesus monkeys knew perfectly well that they could not get trees and rocks pregnant-- let alone the other male rhesus monkeys-- no matter how energetically they tried to mate with them.

Tulsa's Dan Hicks must not visit the zoo very often.

At any rate, I thought that Chris C. Mooney and P.Z. Myers at Pharyngula would likely have some good evolution material to support my rather dry legal presentation, so I wandered over to find that--*gasp*-- Pharyngula's taken the Bible hostage! He has a LOADED 44! Well, actually, he has a 44-oz. Diet Coke that he threatens to unload into himself, fully cognizant of the consequences!

Alright, people, I'm gonna get tough. You know what I want, and you'd better give it to me.

I've got a bible here, and a 44oz. Diet Coke…lots of liquid containing a diuretic, to boot. In about an hour, I figure my bladder is going to be pretty full. You know what could happen.

I don't need information from you, and I sure don't want your money. This is a weblog, and the currency here in these parts is the link, the trackback, the comment. Fork 'em over, or I'm taking this Bible down the hall. You know I'd do it. I'm a godless atheist—I don't think your Bible means doodley-squat.

Intimidated yet?

YES! I AM INTIMIDATED![Can one claim to be intimidated using all capitals?]

So, in exchange for marauding through his trove of clear and enlightened argument, I hereby note that he is NOT KIDDING. If you can link or trackback to his site, do so NOW. He is a godless atheist and a Commentist who deserves every little trackback ping he gets.