Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma, Tonga

Friday, March 25, 2005

Wanker Olympics

I love Atrios's "Wanker of the Day" feature at Eschaton. Today's Wanker is (*ta-da*) our own Oklahoma Senator, Dr. Tom Coburn! I disagree with Atrios's choice, however, for the sole reason that Dr. Tom is a professional wanker, and "Wanker for the Day" implies amateur status-- thereby giving Dr. Tom an unfair advantage over other competitors.

To illustrate briefly why Dr. Tom stands overqualified for the more ephemeral title, here are some of his history-making wanks:

* Tom Coburn initially supported Alan Keyes in the 2000 presidential primary.

* Dr. Coburn's medical expertise extends to the prophylactic use of silicone breast implants (my sons are thrilled, and want to be at least C cup size):

"And I thought I would just share with you what science says today about silicone breast implants. If you have them, you're healthier than if you don't. That is what the ultimate science shows. . . . In fact, there's no science that shows that silicone breast implants are detrimental and, in fact, they make you healthier."

* Dr. Tom's concerns range from rampant lesbianism in small-town Oklahoma to bogus Indians who threaten Oklahoma's economy to the pornographic film, Schindler's List. He has argued that condoms are ineffective as a means of preventing STD transmission, referred to Oklahoma's state legislators as "crapheads", and advocated the death penalty for doctors who perform abortions.

Last week I briefly discussed Dr. Tom's hypocrisy with regard to Social Security and balancing the budget, and no doubt will bring our junior senator back to the blog in the future. He just possesses too much natural talent and wanks so capably across many disciplines--not to mention his "Red State" advantage-- that it doesn't seem right to pit him against those less well wank-endowed.

You may be thinking now, "If Dr. Tom can't serve as Wanker of the Day, who is first runner-up? Who can fill his shoes on such short notice?"

The answer--------

Ralph Nader!

We always forget Ralph, yet he perseveres though our inattention, ever striving for a good reason for us to detest him.

I think that his day has come, rising on the fall of Terri Schiavo. Assisted by his able teammate, Wesley J. Smith (author of the book Culture of Death: The Assault on Medical Ethics in America), Ralph said yesterday, "This outrageous order proves that the courts are not merely permitting medical treatment to be withheld, it has ordered her to be made dead." One can only admire the nimbleness with which he twisted his syntax, bent the court order, overreached his appeal, and executed a grand jété across reason to land flat-footed on the far side of demagoguery.

There's more here. Read it, and then appeal to Atrios to give Ralph his day on the winner's stand.

He richly deserves it.